random thoughts

Okay, hold that thought. Before I go, it seems I have one more entry in me. First, I need to apologize to the two people I promised to call tonight. Sadly, one of you prolly can't read this, but in case somehow you do, *M*, thank you for the happy father's day wish. Coming from you, it means something, and I really appreciate it. I love you, sweetie.

The 'why' I didn't call is complicated. I moved back into my parents house thinking of how great it would be to reduce the financial stress. But living here has been anything but stress-free. The dynamic that has changed since I'd left is unbelievable, but one thing that hasn't changed is the way I somehow feel a combination of fear, helplessness, and uselessness. Several of you have told me - wisely - that I need to get out of here, and fast. I'm regressing faster than I realized though, and as I laid down earlier to take a nap, something happened that has not happened in a very long time. I had a panic attack. It was not a bad one, but those of you who have had them know that it's hard to minimize the feeling of desperation it causes, no matter how 'minor' it might be. The fact that I had a panic attack while supposedly resting, in the house I lived in for 30 years (the one place I used to feel 'safe') pretty much shatters every last bit of 'home' that was here in my heart.

What does this have to do with making phone calls? Simply that I can't handle my cheating wives anymore. I'm afraid of what I might say in fear, hurt, anger, love, depression, lust, desperation. My god, I had come so far in six years. I had become a slayer of dragons, even if they were only the dragons of my own scarred mind. I believed in myself, I believed in going for what I wanted, and not being afraid all the time. Or if I was afraid, I would go for it anyway. The slide started with my wife, and with my loss of sexual confidence, but it's gone so much deeper than that in the past 6 weeks. I don't know who to hold onto, and more than anything, I fear holding on too tightly, expecting too much, pushing too hard. But my own needs are overwhelming, and sometimes I can't help but try to express what I want, what I need. So I alternately cling tightly, and then push away. I can't trust myself to say what I really feel - or maybe what I really feel is what I fear most of all - so half the time I pretend everything is fine, and the other half I sit alone and wonder why nobody will come save me.

*D* wondered if I didn't maybe create my own self-fulfilling prophecy, if the reason I couldn't maintain friendships was for lack of effort on my part. I argued that she was wrong, that I in fact tried too hard, grew too attached, and that scared people away. But maybe she is right, because lately, in my fear of overwhelming those I love, I withdraw. I hide. It's just like the bad old days, where I'd hide in the closet and wait for someone to care enough to come drag me out into the light of day. It's funny that for years I expected that person to be my mother, and only lately have I come to realize that she was the one who put me in the closet in the first place.

I don't know if my wife even notices my dogging. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter though. Because she does know of my sexual frustration, the beginnings of my slide, and still chooses not to make an effort to save me. Even that won't really matter though. I know too much now that I didn't know before. In my desire only to please a woman, I have learned that her giving head is "disgusting", me going down on her makes her "uncomfortable"... oh fuck, it doesn't matter. I'm just rehashing the beginnings of this blog, which is prolly fitting well with the whole regression theme. I was about to say that I'm destined for a sexless life, but I fear more that I'm destined to get myself into trouble in trying to satisfy my sexuality.

I do need to get out of here, and I even know where I'd like to head, the one place where I know I'm loved, even if I have issues of sexual frustration there too. I'd go anyway, just to hold her, if only I had money and time and confidence and... if only.