what do you do

While most of you are out tonight,celebrating away,getting blind...spare a thought for those who are not able to celebrate for various reasons...Alot will be mourning their loved ones. I for one will be having my usual yearly appointment with Mr.Anti-anxiety tablet,to get me thru the night!! I could care fucking less of the coming New Year,it's just a big excuse to get pissed...and I'm not into teens for cash videos these days,more into drinking something that keeps me awake,not put me to sleep! I've done the celebrating crap,gettin'so pissed you don't know who the fuck you're kissing on the stroke of midnight,and so out of it with drugs or whatever,that in the morning you dont know who you are sleeping next to. It's bliss for me to just sit it out like any normal day/night....hearing the fireworks,hearing the scared dogs,the galahs,cockatoo's etc,fleeing their nightly roosts half scared out of their wits. As a kid it used to be exciting,the old's had brilliant parties when they USED to be social people...we had the whole town around basically,enjoying the grog,food and hip,hip music of the '70s!! I find less and less to be excited about for the coming new years;I mean,it's nothing new....life just gets more difficult,not easier. This year has been shite,and no doubt next year will be too....so I dont allow myself the pleasure of making too many resolutions,as why bother when all you're doing is predicting your unpredictable future? I always believed I'd never see it to my 30th year,REALLY believed it....and fuck me if I didn't bloody try to make that come a reality...so here I am,starting my 35th year around this bloody sun of ours...and I am not particularly happy with my lot. Hate it when people say,"ohh,there's so many people worse off than you,you should be sooo greatful for being healthy blah,blah.." I know.....and hey,I respect that...I understand I am squirting,and I am sad for the millions of people who are in need....but I didnt ask for my life,and dont see why I should be made accountable for others pain. I cant help that I am who I am,that my mental outlook is not all as yours.....I wish it were,then maybe I could enjoy life. Anyway,for the sake of not being a party pooper....HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

facts

Erm, today I've been fair busy.....up at the usual crack of fricking dawn, thank's to daylight streaming in through the crap so called venetian blinds....went back to bed til Magnaboy got home at 7.30am. Washing was on the agenda, but for unknown reasons, the bastardo is playing up...teens for cash before breakfast 'aint good. Managed to get the washing done, EVENTUALLY. Cleaned through the house, then the dog groomer turned up to wash and clip Bax. What a fucking performance from the dog....anyone in the street would've thought he was being castrated or something similar with the bloody noise he was making. Anyway, clean puppy,hairless puppy!!! Yay!

Planted out five roses in the front garden bed between the standard roses the owners put in. Planted some ferny stuff under the side shade area,lay out my Gnomes in amongst the garden plants....they seem happy! Did some general squirting and tidying up. Got some JUNK MAIL today!!!! W00t! Woweeeee....man they have some good deals on pizza's in suburbia! You can get three large pizza's for like,$13 between Sunday and Wednesday! Bugger me.....you pay $15 just for one pizza in the Vale....sheesh!

I'm pretty buggered tonight....hoping to get better nights sleep tonight. Magnaboy finds out tomorrow I believe about this job...hope he get's it.

quality time

My idiotic poem was not a metaphor. I bled rather severely yesterday, having accidentally cut my hand three different places with a razor. Since then, I've been almost continually playing with one of the wounds (which, despite my title, does not actually have a scab yet). I pinch it, and it hurts. I poke it with my fingernail, and it hurts. Someone smarter than I would maybe consider not pinching it or poking it. But it's not a bad pain - not really bad - and I kinda like indian porn. The cut is so deep that when I alternately push and pull on the top and bottom of it, it looks like a little mouth opening and closing. It seems I have found a new way to talk to myself. This morning at work, I accidentally started it bleeding again. At first I thought it was just a drop, so I ignored it. But when I went to tear the plastic wrap I had been holding, I sprayed blood everywhere. Yes, I created my own blood spatter pattern, just like on all those cool forensics shows! It was a proud moment.

But anyway, yeah. Pain. Blood. I think I'm finally beginning to understand a few things about some of my female cum. Anywho, Loz wisely stated, "This doesn't sound good", and I can't argue with her (Though I do thank you for your thoughts, Loz!). I'm really not doing well, and some of my normal outlets are unavailable to me right now, which makes it even harder to deal with. In fact, I'm feeling quite alone.

Going...

going...

*poof*

flirting 101

Found out today that a friend of Magnaboy's committed suicide yesterday. Don't know why it has upset me so much really...I only met him a few times. Guess it's because he had Bipolar too...and he was doing the same as me,going off his drugs and was in hospital up until Monday when he had to go to his Grandmothers funeral. So now his parents must bury their son,after just burying their Mother....Fuck. He has left behind two children. It makes you think of how much sadness must have been going through his mind,how much he was suffering in silence...I can really feel it. But on the other hand...I can see how much it breaks up the one's left behind. You don't ever think about the consequenses though when you are that far gone by grief,to you,you are actually doing society a favour by ridding the world of your missunderstood and harmful self.

I don't make any excuses for his decision...but I have been there on a number of occasions...too many occasions. I have attempted suicide,and have been hospitalised and have felt so far gone that I don't care anymore. No one can understand what it's like,except you. And for us to stand back and ridicule someone of their choices is not only selfish,but it's down right unwanted. We can only commiserate with the cheating wives left behind,and believe that the person has finally found peace. Soppy and weak???? No, that's just my point of view...and this is my Blog.

I sometimes think I am only still here because of my animals. Sounds stupid,but they are what have kept me going. Many a time Baxter has looked at me with his soulfull eye's,and I just melt and think,"How the fuck can I leave you?"....I have even written a will out...and Lovely Niecey is gonna love this....I have left her my Ute!!! I have nothing else of value...just about sums up my shit life hey? Now I'm depressing myself...this is no good.

On a more lighter note,had tUTErgirl over for a nice snag casserole with mash potato and she brought over a HUGE fucking "Cheesecake Shop" lemon meringue pie!!! Holy Moly....yummy! We sat and watched a Pirated dvd of "Wimbledon" with Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany...was funny. She has invited me to a dogging party next Wednesday...didn't even know they had parties?! So hell yeah!!! Luuuurve the Body Shop...speshly their "White Musk"..mmmmmm.

Got me a bottle of Southern Comfort today..felt that fucking lo and miserable...so thought what the hell. Am gonna get myself nice and blind later.....so should be interesting to see how long it takes for me to get pissed...already feel kinda spun out on the side effects of these bloody Anti D's!!! Sheesh!!! Joy!!!

Baxter's laying here in the spare room/studdy with me....lying in the sunshine...tis still quite cool outside..Southerly blowing from Victor Harbour way...so he is keeping out of the chill. He loves his Mummy!!! Awwwww.... Am gonna leave you with a kewl quote found on the "Body Shop" invite....fucking true!!!! Seeya's............Utegirl..............

"THERE ARE 3 BILLION WOMEN WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE SUPER MODELS. AND ONLY 8 WHO DO. KNOW YOUR MIND,LOVE YOUR BODY."

happy friday

The following is just a bit of the phone conversation I had today with the friend mentioned in my previous post:

Her: Can you say without a shadow of a doubt that I love you?
Me: Absolutely.
Her: Without a shadow of a doubt?
Me: Yes.
Her: Would you bet your life on it?
Me: Yes.
Her: Would you bet my life on it?
Me: Yes.
Her: And how do you know that I love indian porn stars?
Me: Well, this conversation, for starters. *laughter* I know you love me because I know that you accept me for who I am, and you understand who I am. Because even though I know that I can be a frustration to you when I fail to do the things that you know I need to do - or even that I know I need to do - you don't give up on me. You won't give up on me.
Her: Okay, can you say without a shadow of a doubt, that she loves you?
Me (Hesitating): This is gonna get hard, isn't it?

It did get hard (and not in the good way - though I can't say that this friend has not also had that effect on me). She will not let me get away with not thinking. She won't let me waffle or hedge my bets. She wants declarative statements. She won't even let me change the subject, try as I might! And I can't help but love her for it.

I believe my wife loves me as best she can, but when held up to the standard set by this woman, my friend, does it even count as love? And if it doesn't, what am I still doing here? My friend said something else the other day, a simple statement on the spur of the moment that only shows how brilliant she is: "Marriage is not crucifying yourself so that she can have female cum squirting."

Understanding why I should leave is easy. Weighing the pros and cons (and yes, there are both to this marriage, despite my ramblings here) is a simple task. It's the leaving itself that I'm having trouble with...

There are still so many fears about a future without my wife, about whether anyone else would put up with MY hangups, about whether I will function sexually with someone else. My friend offered to help me figure that one out too...

God knows I want that.

rambling tuesday

At least, I think that's how it's spelled. It's funny, the little things that can affect a mood. One minute I was happy as a clam (though I must wonder why a clam would be happy), and then something happened in a phone call (or actually, didn't happen in a phone call. Like, the person picking up the frickin phone) that kinda shot my outlook all to hell, and made me start to lose faith in people all over again. Am I really that easily let down? Ha. It's funny. For a guy with a wife, a step-daughter, parents, numerous siblings, and a few real friends... I feel awfully alone right now.

I just... I'm just suddenly very tired. Despite the depression that occasionally sneaks into this blog, I am actually very good at hiding... Well. I was gonna say "at hiding the depth of my depression", but I see that ending the sentence after "hiding" is just as true. My point is, who really knows me? One person does. One person - and you know who you are - knows me better than my wife. I once remarked to this person that "I know me almost as well as you do!" There are one or two others who know me in a bit more detail than is written here. Yet, only one of you has ever actually met my wife (yeah, well, you were at the wedding!), and everything else is just me griping. I'm not saying that what I write is untrue, merely that it is once-sided. And it's not even one-sided in a fair way, because I don't blog about the wonderful things she does. Part of the problem is, even I lose sight of the good things she does, because I am so blinded by brooke skye nude. No, I am not content in my life, and yes, I am planning on cheating on her if she doesn't come around very, very soon. And from what I write here, I can see where one could get the idea that my leaving would be... reasonable.

I just want to cry. I just want to scream. I don't know what I want. I said last time that I didn't want my wife - at least sexually. But I want to want her, and more than that, I want her to want me. Yeah, I know, I sound like Cheap Trick now. LOL. Did I mention that I was tired?

I'm just so fucking tired.

Aside from the concern and feedback I get from those I've met in blogland, there are two things that I live for right now, it seems. One of them is getting up every morning and going to work, because that is where *T* is. She is a joy to be around, and while I can't ignore the fact that she is very, very attractive, the genuine friendship, honesty and comradery that we have together far surpasses any lustful feelings I once felt for her. The other thing I live for is raven riley hardcore...

...maybe I needed to be calling someone else..

good solid punch

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes on this blog entry page, trying to figure out what to write. Yesterday I was overwhelmed with my life, and I just wanted it all to go away. Not suicidal... just weary. I nearly had a breakdown at work, but I fought my way through it. Came home late from work and found some love in my emailbox that brought me back to reality a little bit. Sometimes I think I'm worthless, but some of you are determined to get me to see otherwise, and for that I am grateful. This blog, and the people I've met through it, have become a sort of bang boat for me, where I know I am accepted for who I am, even if my ways, thoughts, desires and ideas are not always agreed with. I thank you all for that, as well.

I want to be "hot". *A* was talking to another girl about a new employee, and she exclaimed, "He is hot!" I just wanted her to say that about me. I don't think I am ugly (as I used to think), and there are certain women who seem to be attracted to my "type". I catch the looks on occasion, and sometimes, on a really good day, I'll catch several of them. But I always wonder if any of them tell their friends "Oh, you should've seen the back seat bangers today. He was HOT!" LOL. Okay, maybe I'm asking too much. I guess when your own wife doesn't seem to be attracted to you, it makes you think a bit.

*A* is urging me to cheat on my wife now. Sadly, she is not offering her sevices in that respect! But while I still feel those little pangs of want for her now and then, I'm beginning to calm down and accept the friendship she offers. If I didn't have her and *T* to talk to on a daily basis, well, my work life would pretty much suck. Not that the work is difficult (*T* actually does virtually all of the work I used to do!), but it would be so boring. I absolutely LOVE working with *T*, as evidenced by the fact that since she's been out sick for two days (and will be out tomorrow too), I suddenly don't like going to work again. I'm gonna hate it when she leaves... or when I do.

I still haven't given my wife the letter, primarily because the implication in it that I don't want to cheat is a simple lie. I do very much want to do something with a loving, sexually open woman. I need to find out where I stand with my own sexuality before I decide if it's worth it to me to try to work on my marriage. Ass-backwards, maybe, but that's the way I feel. I love my wife, I really do. I'm just not sure if I WANT her anymore. I watched a video we had made shortly after we met. We were just making a video greeting card to send to some friends, but while we filmed it we started making out and fooling around. You can't see anything in the video (except my rigid cock and a wet spot on my shorts when I stood up for a second, which caused us both to break out laughing), but the passion there was so obvious, and I can't help but mourn what was lost, and wonder what happened to it.

oy what beautiful morning

LOL....Is the heading okay for ya?! Does it grab your attention....tuff if not.
Me & me lovely niecey had some fun last nite,tryin to get thru to this thick American dude,that a colt is NOT a female horse in any shape or form....but today,he is still adamant that he is right....wot a fucking wanker!!
Here,go visit his blog and tell him he's a loser!!Yet Another Tedious.
Was meant to be up at 7am,but yeah,alarm went off....woke up 7:45!! Shite. Dashed around,fed horse,quick shower,fed dog,fed birds,fed myself...then the old man caught me,wanted to chat...no time Dad,Judi(their gorgeous black Lab)was shittin' herself,backing away,puffed up,deep woof...couldn't work out why she was scared of me..then I realised,still had towel draped round me head!!! She's a indian porn stars.
Had to dash,Bax pissed off....hates me taking off,and Magnaboy wasnt home as yet from work.
Bliss.....SHOPS are open!
Mad chaos,that's all I can say....normally quiet,unasuming gentle souls of housewives,turned into vicious,snarling,trolleypushers...all out for one thing- a fucking after xmas bargain bin loaf of bread!!!
AAHHh,home again.UTEy Badly in need of de-dusting,she is almost pink!!
Magnaboy home,in bed...grizzle..no one to help unload shopping.
Just managed to pack all away,and tUTErgirl arrives for her coffee and to drop off budgie for his little holiday,while she goes to Alice.
Well...she WAS meant to stay only for like,half hour,so as she could go to the gym,but she stayed for 2and a half hours!
Aaanyway,Magnaboy got up once he heard her laughing,and again,he ended up scaring the shite out of her by appearing at the outside window of the dining room where we were sitting....she jumped a couple of feet.
She has a good set of lungs on her,sort of the scream you hear on a horror movie,like when the chick is gonna be dissembowelled,yeah,like that!
TUTERGIRL said her goodbyes,and now I am sorta relaxin....tho not before going back into town for SUBWAY,and pick up my photos.
No after xmas mail,no bills....yay.
Am still tryin to get hold of my farrier,he may have gone away,but he could at least answer his damn phone.
Che'-de's feet are pretty much non-existant.Need to get her some shoes put on me thinks.
Oh,got the "Bourne Supremecy"on dvd...am hoping it's as good as the previous one...will let ya's know.
..............UTEgirl..............xxxxx

assignment 1

Darkside will be going... well, dark for a while. It's not because anything drastic has happened, or because I'm doing really badly (I'm no worse than I have been, which, admittedly, doesn't really give one cause for much hope!). It's just going to be nearly impossible for me to have the asian ladyboy I need to post for the next week and a half. Whether that week and a half will be a easier or more difficult than usual will remain to be seen. At the very least, I should be busy enough and distracted enough that I won't have time to think too deeply. That's always good, as thinking seems to lead me into sleep assault galleries lately. But speaking of thinking, think fondly of me while I'm away. ;-)