trying to reach top of rope remember

I haven't had time to blog lately, but when I opened this page, I immediately noticed that my countup (as opposed to countdown) indicates that I've been cigarette-free for 100 days! Imagine that! I still get tempted by the habit of it--I don't miss the buzz. Sometimes, for example, I'd look longingly at my sister, who's smoking in the garden, and I'd think that smoking in the garden seems like a good way to relax. But the feeling doesn't last long, because I take 500mg of Vitamin C daily, and everytime I do, I imagine it cleansing my body, and since I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive and all, I wouldn't want to dirty it up again. It's gotten so that whenever my ladyboy smokes in our room, I tell her to go out.

Moreover, I've arranged it so that our little garden is not just a place for me to sneak a smoke--which it used to be, because I'd never been interested in it before. I actually take care of some fish there (some shibunkin, goldfish, and lots and lots of silver molly that reproduce like rabbits), and I'm proud to say that I officially have two plants: two margeurite daisies, one of which still refuses to bloom, so I'm going to have to transplant it. It's a good start for someone who doesn't have a green thumb. I also take care of my mother's struggling roses, though I really have no idea what I'm doing. I just snip off the flowers in full bloom, like she asked me to.

This is not to say that sleep assault has stopped stressing me out. Last night, we had another of our long fights. Discussion, he calls it, but I'd never been part of a discussion where only one person speaks for both parties. Sometimes, he's so bratty it makes me laugh--but I don't, because he immediately says, "Right, laugh. It's funny eh?" I'd been so stressed lately, I skipped my period for April.

Tiger said, "Are you scared?"

I replied, "Not really--but if I were having sex, I probably would be.

I hope it's nothing serious. Maybe it's just the heat.

random thoughts

Okay, hold that thought. Before I go, it seems I have one more entry in me. First, I need to apologize to the two people I promised to call tonight. Sadly, one of you prolly can't read this, but in case somehow you do, *M*, thank you for the happy father's day wish. Coming from you, it means something, and I really appreciate it. I love you, sweetie.

The 'why' I didn't call is complicated. I moved back into my parents house thinking of how great it would be to reduce the financial stress. But living here has been anything but stress-free. The dynamic that has changed since I'd left is unbelievable, but one thing that hasn't changed is the way I somehow feel a combination of fear, helplessness, and uselessness. Several of you have told me - wisely - that I need to get out of here, and fast. I'm regressing faster than I realized though, and as I laid down earlier to take a nap, something happened that has not happened in a very long time. I had a panic attack. It was not a bad one, but those of you who have had them know that it's hard to minimize the feeling of desperation it causes, no matter how 'minor' it might be. The fact that I had a panic attack while supposedly resting, in the house I lived in for 30 years (the one place I used to feel 'safe') pretty much shatters every last bit of 'home' that was here in my heart.

What does this have to do with making phone calls? Simply that I can't handle my cheating wives anymore. I'm afraid of what I might say in fear, hurt, anger, love, depression, lust, desperation. My god, I had come so far in six years. I had become a slayer of dragons, even if they were only the dragons of my own scarred mind. I believed in myself, I believed in going for what I wanted, and not being afraid all the time. Or if I was afraid, I would go for it anyway. The slide started with my wife, and with my loss of sexual confidence, but it's gone so much deeper than that in the past 6 weeks. I don't know who to hold onto, and more than anything, I fear holding on too tightly, expecting too much, pushing too hard. But my own needs are overwhelming, and sometimes I can't help but try to express what I want, what I need. So I alternately cling tightly, and then push away. I can't trust myself to say what I really feel - or maybe what I really feel is what I fear most of all - so half the time I pretend everything is fine, and the other half I sit alone and wonder why nobody will come save me.

*D* wondered if I didn't maybe create my own self-fulfilling prophecy, if the reason I couldn't maintain friendships was for lack of effort on my part. I argued that she was wrong, that I in fact tried too hard, grew too attached, and that scared people away. But maybe she is right, because lately, in my fear of overwhelming those I love, I withdraw. I hide. It's just like the bad old days, where I'd hide in the closet and wait for someone to care enough to come drag me out into the light of day. It's funny that for years I expected that person to be my mother, and only lately have I come to realize that she was the one who put me in the closet in the first place.

I don't know if my wife even notices my dogging. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter though. Because she does know of my sexual frustration, the beginnings of my slide, and still chooses not to make an effort to save me. Even that won't really matter though. I know too much now that I didn't know before. In my desire only to please a woman, I have learned that her giving head is "disgusting", me going down on her makes her "uncomfortable"... oh fuck, it doesn't matter. I'm just rehashing the beginnings of this blog, which is prolly fitting well with the whole regression theme. I was about to say that I'm destined for a sexless life, but I fear more that I'm destined to get myself into trouble in trying to satisfy my sexuality.

I do need to get out of here, and I even know where I'd like to head, the one place where I know I'm loved, even if I have issues of sexual frustration there too. I'd go anyway, just to hold her, if only I had money and time and confidence and... if only.

vests suck for lack of better title

Sheesh! Ya mobile is ringing,and it says on the screen it's a private number calling...seeing as though I'm a masochist & wonder if me luck has changed(could be the fucking Grim Reaper on the other end!),I answer it only to here,"Hello,this is Optus pre paid customer support information calling....we have some great news...Blah,blah,blah fucking blah".....Fuck off. Couldn't even have a two way conversation with the bitch,'cos she was automated ya see....fucking robots.

Oh,yeah....I lost bloody Firefox!! It was there last night when I switched the puter off, I swear!!! Been lookin' for it everywhere! Lovely Niecey reckons I'm gonna have to download it again....Sweet Jesus. Bah...cbf.

Still feeling "Fuzzy",interesting sensation to be sure. Like my eye's are half closed,making me look like I'm Magnaboy in one of his "doped" out sessions(all the time),and I feel all hot 'n dizzy...feel constantly tired,yet can't sleep if I lie down. But when I do hit the hay,BOOM....I don't remember nothin'!!! Best damned sleep I've had in years! Sorta feel as though I have indian porn....you know,as if you're all stuffed up and you get giddy and light headed....hope the Doc' will tell me this is all going to dissapear soon.

Got my 3rd date tonight with the Sparky......did I mention this already?? Anyway,going to Mick O'shea's Irish Pub again...tis handy,as it's just up the road for both of us! Great meals and great atmosphere...I lika dis place muchly!!!! So this sparky went to the Clipsal,and the first day he went,he left his camera in the car...so no pic's that day...the next day he remembered his camera,but the battery went flat!!! Sheesh! He reckons he managed to get TWO whole photo's of the day! Am hoping my Uncle and some other people who went managed more luck!

Tis Easter this weekend....Holy Crap!!! And everyone is leaving and going away places....cept this sad little Utegirl..sob. May try and head down to Currency Creek and go see the Old Nag....Che'-De. Am kinda hesitant though...she may not even want to see female cum...sob,sniff,bawl...

Hey,hey!!! Just had me a phone call from another fella who contacted me on dating site...sounds REALLY nice! Maaaaate....things are looking up! 'Aint gonna take things too seriously.....wait and see how things go with the Sparky...don't want to give anyone the run around that's for sure. Anyways....must go and do "stuff"....lotsa stuff!!! 'Aint enuf hours in the day to do my stuff................Ute..............

mojitos stuff

Fascinating day. *A* had drawn a "tattoo" of a flower on *M*'s forearm. They both told me it wasn't the mayflower, it was the gayflower! LOL. I told *A* I wanted a tattoo too, and she drew this:



When my wife saw it (obviously I wanted her to), she was most displeased, pointing out that of all the things to draw, she drew a heart. I asked her what else could you draw as a tattoo, other than a flower or a heart? My wife would've been really upset if she had known that I had asked ladyboy to pinch my nipple, and she not only happily obliged, but even grabbed the right one (one of them is much more erogenous than the other). That came about because while *A* and *M* were wrestling in the back, *A* had grabbed *M*'s nipples. They were both laughing and having fun, and of course I wanted to join in. *M* kept exclaiming, "*A* pinched my nipples... and I liked it!" I joined in in the safest way I could: I asked the lesbian to pinch my nipples. No unwanted sexual advances there, right?

I've been talking to *A* about some pretty deep stuff that's going on in my life right now, and she was telling me more about her sleep assault. They were actually broken up a few days ago (Her boyfriend thinks she is a lesbian, and as a gay-basher was quite vocal in how "sick" that would be), but are back together. She says it isn't the same now, and she's really only with him because he treats her kids well, and they love him. We talked about how we both give too much in our relationships, while the other person just seems to take and take. She drives him to work, cooks his dinner, let's him stay at her house... Then he calls her a lesbian and gets pissed when she won't have sex with him after they broke up?! I told her that she could do better, and that if she were single, there were a number of guys in the store who would be after her. Later, I came back and said, "I probably shouldn't say this, but to me you are the most desirable woman in the store. I know if I weren't married, I'd be all over you! The truth is, I had a crush on you... but I decided that your friendship was more important." That was all true, by the way, and she seemed flattered by it.

But I also pointed out that it was clear that we would be incompatible. We talked about how unaffectionate she is, and she admitted that she's not even very affectionate with her kids. She said she's affectionate with her boyfriend in bed (not sexually, but touching and hugging), but even in public she often pushes him away. It made me not feel so bad that she doesn't always return my hugs, and I've actually been trying not to to hug her... but she's so damn huggable I can't resist!

Speaking of not being able to resist, this morning I had decided to back off from *A*, even from talking to her about my problems, because she's been distant. I didn't know it was because she had broken up with her boyfriend (however briefly!), but even before I found that out, I was talking to her again. There's something about her that is so approachable that I'm drawn to her. Her and *T* are both just amazing women. *T* ended up coming into work yesterday, whizzing by me with a "Hi, sweetie!" When I went back to see her, I gave her a huge hug from behind and told her how glad I was to see her. She grasped my arm tightly and said she had missed me too, and mentioned how loved she felt that we were so concerned about her while she was sick. I told her she is loved. When I mentioned to her my potential move out of state, she got quite upset. I think she's coming to depend on me as much as I depend on her. Don't worry people: As a friend!

My wife french kissed me tonight. That's rare, even more rare that she initiated it, and the fact that we actually had a bit of a makeout session was quite surprising and quite nice. I thought maybe something had changed (this did occur after she saw the "tattoo"!), but later when I tried to push things a bit further, she pushed me away with another excuse. She didn't realize that it may have been her last chance to keep me from straying. Something is potentially happening in my life, though it is not in any way a certainty yet, and in any case the details will not likely end up in this blog. As with all things, time will tell, I guess.