bellesbalcony

trying to reach top of rope remember

2005-07-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to blog lately, but when I opened this page, I immediately noticed that my countup (as opposed to countdown) indicates that I've been cigarette-free for 100 days! Imagine that! I still get tempted by the habit of it--I don't miss the buzz. Sometimes, for example, I'd look longingly at my sister, who's smoking in the garden, and I'd think that smoking in the garden seems like a good way to relax. But the feeling doesn't last long, because I take 500mg of Vitamin C daily, and everytime I do, I imagine it cleansing my body, and since I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive and all, I wouldn't want to dirty it up again. It's gotten so that whenever my ladyboy smokes in our room, I tell her to go out.

Moreover, I've arranged it so that our little garden is not just a place for me to sneak a smoke--which it used to be, because I'd never been interested in it before. I actually take care of some fish there (some shibunkin, goldfish, and lots and lots of silver molly that reproduce like rabbits), and I'm proud to say that I officially have two plants: two margeurite daisies, one of which still refuses to bloom, so I'm going to have to transplant it. It's a good start for someone who doesn't have a green thumb. I also take care of my mother's struggling roses, though I really have no idea what I'm doing. I just snip off the flowers in full bloom, like she asked me to.

This is not to say that sleep assault has stopped stressing me out. Last night, we had another of our long fights. Discussion, he calls it, but I'd never been part of a discussion where only one person speaks for both parties. Sometimes, he's so bratty it makes me laugh--but I don't, because he immediately says, "Right, laugh. It's funny eh?" I'd been so stressed lately, I skipped my period for April.

Tiger said, "Are you scared?"

I replied, "Not really--but if I were having sex, I probably would be.

I hope it's nothing serious. Maybe it's just the heat.

random thoughts

2005-07-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, hold that thought. Before I go, it seems I have one more entry in me. First, I need to apologize to the two people I promised to call tonight. Sadly, one of you prolly can't read this, but in case somehow you do, *M*, thank you for the happy father's day wish. Coming from you, it means something, and I really appreciate it. I love you, sweetie.

The 'why' I didn't call is complicated. I moved back into my parents house thinking of how great it would be to reduce the financial stress. But living here has been anything but stress-free. The dynamic that has changed since I'd left is unbelievable, but one thing that hasn't changed is the way I somehow feel a combination of fear, helplessness, and uselessness. Several of you have told me - wisely - that I need to get out of here, and fast. I'm regressing faster than I realized though, and as I laid down earlier to take a nap, something happened that has not happened in a very long time. I had a panic attack. It was not a bad one, but those of you who have had them know that it's hard to minimize the feeling of desperation it causes, no matter how 'minor' it might be. The fact that I had a panic attack while supposedly resting, in the house I lived in for 30 years (the one place I used to feel 'safe') pretty much shatters every last bit of 'home' that was here in my heart.

What does this have to do with making phone calls? Simply that I can't handle my cheating wives anymore. I'm afraid of what I might say in fear, hurt, anger, love, depression, lust, desperation. My god, I had come so far in six years. I had become a slayer of dragons, even if they were only the dragons of my own scarred mind. I believed in myself, I believed in going for what I wanted, and not being afraid all the time. Or if I was afraid, I would go for it anyway. The slide started with my wife, and with my loss of sexual confidence, but it's gone so much deeper than that in the past 6 weeks. I don't know who to hold onto, and more than anything, I fear holding on too tightly, expecting too much, pushing too hard. But my own needs are overwhelming, and sometimes I can't help but try to express what I want, what I need. So I alternately cling tightly, and then push away. I can't trust myself to say what I really feel - or maybe what I really feel is what I fear most of all - so half the time I pretend everything is fine, and the other half I sit alone and wonder why nobody will come save me.

*D* wondered if I didn't maybe create my own self-fulfilling prophecy, if the reason I couldn't maintain friendships was for lack of effort on my part. I argued that she was wrong, that I in fact tried too hard, grew too attached, and that scared people away. But maybe she is right, because lately, in my fear of overwhelming those I love, I withdraw. I hide. It's just like the bad old days, where I'd hide in the closet and wait for someone to care enough to come drag me out into the light of day. It's funny that for years I expected that person to be my mother, and only lately have I come to realize that she was the one who put me in the closet in the first place.

I don't know if my wife even notices my dogging. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter though. Because she does know of my sexual frustration, the beginnings of my slide, and still chooses not to make an effort to save me. Even that won't really matter though. I know too much now that I didn't know before. In my desire only to please a woman, I have learned that her giving head is "disgusting", me going down on her makes her "uncomfortable"... oh fuck, it doesn't matter. I'm just rehashing the beginnings of this blog, which is prolly fitting well with the whole regression theme. I was about to say that I'm destined for a sexless life, but I fear more that I'm destined to get myself into trouble in trying to satisfy my sexuality.

I do need to get out of here, and I even know where I'd like to head, the one place where I know I'm loved, even if I have issues of sexual frustration there too. I'd go anyway, just to hold her, if only I had money and time and confidence and... if only.

vests suck for lack of better title

2005-07-05T09:32:00.000-07:00

Sheesh! Ya mobile is ringing,and it says on the screen it's a private number calling...seeing as though I'm a masochist & wonder if me luck has changed(could be the fucking Grim Reaper on the other end!),I answer it only to here,"Hello,this is Optus pre paid customer support information calling....we have some great news...Blah,blah,blah fucking blah".....Fuck off. Couldn't even have a two way conversation with the bitch,'cos she was automated ya see....fucking robots.

Oh,yeah....I lost bloody Firefox!! It was there last night when I switched the puter off, I swear!!! Been lookin' for it everywhere! Lovely Niecey reckons I'm gonna have to download it again....Sweet Jesus. Bah...cbf.

Still feeling "Fuzzy",interesting sensation to be sure. Like my eye's are half closed,making me look like I'm Magnaboy in one of his "doped" out sessions(all the time),and I feel all hot 'n dizzy...feel constantly tired,yet can't sleep if I lie down. But when I do hit the hay,BOOM....I don't remember nothin'!!! Best damned sleep I've had in years! Sorta feel as though I have indian porn....you know,as if you're all stuffed up and you get giddy and light headed....hope the Doc' will tell me this is all going to dissapear soon.

Got my 3rd date tonight with the Sparky......did I mention this already?? Anyway,going to Mick O'shea's Irish Pub again...tis handy,as it's just up the road for both of us! Great meals and great atmosphere...I lika dis place muchly!!!! So this sparky went to the Clipsal,and the first day he went,he left his camera in the car...so no pic's that day...the next day he remembered his camera,but the battery went flat!!! Sheesh! He reckons he managed to get TWO whole photo's of the day! Am hoping my Uncle and some other people who went managed more luck!

Tis Easter this weekend....Holy Crap!!! And everyone is leaving and going away places....cept this sad little Utegirl..sob. May try and head down to Currency Creek and go see the Old Nag....Che'-De. Am kinda hesitant though...she may not even want to see female cum...sob,sniff,bawl...

Hey,hey!!! Just had me a phone call from another fella who contacted me on dating site...sounds REALLY nice! Maaaaate....things are looking up! 'Aint gonna take things too seriously.....wait and see how things go with the Sparky...don't want to give anyone the run around that's for sure. Anyways....must go and do "stuff"....lotsa stuff!!! 'Aint enuf hours in the day to do my stuff................Ute..............

mojitos stuff

2005-07-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Fascinating day. *A* had drawn a "tattoo" of a flower on *M*'s forearm. They both told me it wasn't the mayflower, it was the gayflower! LOL. I told *A* I wanted a tattoo too, and she drew this:

When my wife saw it (obviously I wanted her to), she was most displeased, pointing out that of all the things to draw, she drew a heart. I asked her what else could you draw as a tattoo, other than a flower or a heart? My wife would've been really upset if she had known that I had asked ladyboy to pinch my nipple, and she not only happily obliged, but even grabbed the right one (one of them is much more erogenous than the other). That came about because while *A* and *M* were wrestling in the back, *A* had grabbed *M*'s nipples. They were both laughing and having fun, and of course I wanted to join in. *M* kept exclaiming, "*A* pinched my nipples... and I liked it!" I joined in in the safest way I could: I asked the lesbian to pinch my nipples. No unwanted sexual advances there, right?

I've been talking to *A* about some pretty deep stuff that's going on in my life right now, and she was telling me more about her sleep assault. They were actually broken up a few days ago (Her boyfriend thinks she is a lesbian, and as a gay-basher was quite vocal in how "sick" that would be), but are back together. She says it isn't the same now, and she's really only with him because he treats her kids well, and they love him. We talked about how we both give too much in our relationships, while the other person just seems to take and take. She drives him to work, cooks his dinner, let's him stay at her house... Then he calls her a lesbian and gets pissed when she won't have sex with him after they broke up?! I told her that she could do better, and that if she were single, there were a number of guys in the store who would be after her. Later, I came back and said, "I probably shouldn't say this, but to me you are the most desirable woman in the store. I know if I weren't married, I'd be all over you! The truth is, I had a crush on you... but I decided that your friendship was more important." That was all true, by the way, and she seemed flattered by it.

But I also pointed out that it was clear that we would be incompatible. We talked about how unaffectionate she is, and she admitted that she's not even very affectionate with her kids. She said she's affectionate with her boyfriend in bed (not sexually, but touching and hugging), but even in public she often pushes him away. It made me not feel so bad that she doesn't always return my hugs, and I've actually been trying not to to hug her... but she's so damn huggable I can't resist!

Speaking of not being able to resist, this morning I had decided to back off from *A*, even from talking to her about my problems, because she's been distant. I didn't know it was because she had broken up with her boyfriend (however briefly!), but even before I found that out, I was talking to her again. There's something about her that is so approachable that I'm drawn to her. Her and *T* are both just amazing women. *T* ended up coming into work yesterday, whizzing by me with a "Hi, sweetie!" When I went back to see her, I gave her a huge hug from behind and told her how glad I was to see her. She grasped my arm tightly and said she had missed me too, and mentioned how loved she felt that we were so concerned about her while she was sick. I told her she is loved. When I mentioned to her my potential move out of state, she got quite upset. I think she's coming to depend on me as much as I depend on her. Don't worry people: As a friend!

My wife french kissed me tonight. That's rare, even more rare that she initiated it, and the fact that we actually had a bit of a makeout session was quite surprising and quite nice. I thought maybe something had changed (this did occur after she saw the "tattoo"!), but later when I tried to push things a bit further, she pushed me away with another excuse. She didn't realize that it may have been her last chance to keep me from straying. Something is potentially happening in my life, though it is not in any way a certainty yet, and in any case the details will not likely end up in this blog. As with all things, time will tell, I guess.

i keep dreaming

2005-06-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

This blog may say a different time of posting;but that's 'cos it's fucking American,and I'm telling you it is 12:06 fucking o'clock,so there. Sad & depressed...same thing. Am eating like god knows wot,obvious signs of my bang boat becoming rampant. Got that real empty,hollow feeling;the deep,deep sadness I get.....like someone you love has died,on the edge of tears. The fireworks have been going since bout quater to midnite,real loud....sounds like bombings,like in movies. Bet there are a few hundred dogs cowering under shelters,or running around terrified,lost somewhere in the neighborhood. Baxter is sound asleep,dreaming actually...his feet are doin' that weird running thing...like he must be running in his dream!Bless. Bein' brave girl,haven't had to take my tabby yet...oh,feel so much right now like takin' the whole damn lot..am just so tired of back seat bangers. 'Tis too hard to explain my misery,and......the morning will come soon....everything will appear better then. ....UTEgirl......

dont think about underoos wedgie

2005-06-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

Quick updates:

1. Tigre is well, of course.
2. J is well too, of course.
3. I am well, I think. At least (to go by my previous posts) I had my period this month as usual (three days, when the previous month was like five days or even six--but let's not go into that).

I'm happy to say that I've kicked the smoking habit! They say you can form a new habit within a minimum of 30 days (although for exercise, it's more like 6 months), and, like quitting alcohol or drugs, this will always be a daily decision. I saw on brooke skye sometime ago that there are personalities that are more prone to addiction. I was watching with my mom, and, without thinking, I announced, "I think my personality's like that!" and she said, "And what are you addicted to?" I couldn't tell her I smoked--only my dad knows that, and he took that secret to his grave. I said, "FOOD!" And it wasn't exactly a lie, either.

I remember being a chain smoker, especially when surrounded by other smokers. And I remember that, when drinking in my university days, I just couldn't stop with just one or two. I kept going. Thank God I didn't have much money, or else I wouldn't have anything stopping me. And thank God I'm deathly afraid of breaking the law, or else I might just have tried to chip in for raven riley.

Anyhow, here's a good quote, from Og Mandino's The Greatest Salesman in the World, which I recommend as a good read:

In truth, the only difference between those who have failed and those who have succeeded lies in the difference of their habits. Good habits are the key to all success. Bad habits are the unlocked door to failure. Thus, the first law I will obey, which precedes all others, is--"I will form good habits and become their slaves."

I still haven't gotten rid of my rage, though. And it seems like the more I know about J's family, the more reasons I have to be mad at them. But right now, I've decided to just drop it and let it go. I just can't believe I once imagined him to be the most humble person on the planet. But what can I say, I love the guy. And, as he said, "We're trapped." Which means we can't make any decisions until we finally meet. Right now, however, I swear, if it doesn't work out with him, I'm never going to allow myself to be swept into this kind of relationship ever again. When I look back at everything I've been through, I can't help but kick myself in the ass for not going about it in a smarter way.

weekend

2005-05-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Hindi na nakakatuwa 'to ha. Medyo naguguluhan na ako. Ayoko muna mag-isip ng kadramahan. Buti pa nga't magsulat na lang ako ng mga kwento. Even if I'm finding that cheating wives is stranger than fiction -- making it so much more interesting these days. Kahit pa ba ako ang bida -- at minsan, kontrabida.

And why the heck am I writing in Tagalog? Sometimes, it's just hard to express myself completely in English. Which has me thinking why the heck do I insist on making this relationship with J work? Sa Pinoy na lang kaya ako? Para hindi ko na kailangan pa i-explain kung bakit kumakain ako ng isaw, at kung bakit mahirap ipaliwanag kung bakit minsan paling pati mga graduates ng Ateneo, UP at DLSU (among other schools), at kung anu-ano 'pang ka-ekekan na hindi niya maintindihan. Ay ewan.

J's happy with his work, and that's good.

I'm not happy with my work (well, my written work), and that's not good.

And I'm not happy about other things as well (which I shall not expound on), so that's even worse.

So, ta-da! I shall press the dogging button in this aspect of my life.

Wala munang love life.

Pweh.

golly gee how could it be

2005-05-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

LoL!!! Fuck it's great being able to tell the world how Magnaboy is a UTEless dopesmoker!!! He is wasting his time,and he is wasting good fucking food..... Maybe THATS how he is losing so much fucking weight?! It seems everytime I go out,he get's stuck into the weed,and or rings all his mates and or brooke skye nude. Last night,after tea,I went to feed the friends pets....well in the time it takes to do that,he had had some amount of smoke,and spewed all my fucking lovely dinner up all over the fucking driveway. Fucking peas,carrots,and some other strange coloured stuff....wasn't fish? There he is,eye's red,watering and gorking and trying to tell me it "was the water from the river"!!!! Bull shite Magnaboy,bull fucking shite. No amount of hosing or sweeping will erase that stench for few days. So after me screamin' at him for a bit......he took off again.Been that way for awhile now;I scream,he fucks off.Works a treat! Me thinks he went to STUPIDboys(securityguard mate,with IQ of zero) where they ingested even more raven riley hardcore. Nice and quiet for me to do some gardening,and read,and eat in peace..... Today another day of him shitting me off.....so he's gone off to watch Wolfie et all do more kayaking. Think he's been looking at houses,the sooner the better. ............UTEgirl............xxxxxxx

oy what beautiful morning

2005-05-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

LOL....Is the heading okay for ya?! Does it grab your attention....tuff if not.
Me & me lovely niecey had some fun last nite,tryin to get thru to this thick American dude,that a colt is NOT a female horse in any shape or form....but today,he is still adamant that he is right....wot a fucking wanker!!
Here,go visit his blog and tell him he's a loser!!Yet Another Tedious.
Was meant to be up at 7am,but yeah,alarm went off....woke up 7:45!! Shite. Dashed around,fed horse,quick shower,fed dog,fed birds,fed myself...then the old man caught me,wanted to chat...no time Dad,Judi(their gorgeous black Lab)was shittin' herself,backing away,puffed up,deep woof...couldn't work out why she was scared of me..then I realised,still had towel draped round me head!!! She's a indian porn stars.
Had to dash,Bax pissed off....hates me taking off,and Magnaboy wasnt home as yet from work.
Bliss.....SHOPS are open!
Mad chaos,that's all I can say....normally quiet,unasuming gentle souls of housewives,turned into vicious,snarling,trolleypushers...all out for one thing- a fucking after xmas bargain bin loaf of bread!!!
AAHHh,home again.UTEy Badly in need of de-dusting,she is almost pink!!
Magnaboy home,in bed...grizzle..no one to help unload shopping.
Just managed to pack all away,and tUTErgirl arrives for her coffee and to drop off budgie for his little holiday,while she goes to Alice.
Well...she WAS meant to stay only for like,half hour,so as she could go to the gym,but she stayed for 2and a half hours!
Aaanyway,Magnaboy got up once he heard her laughing,and again,he ended up scaring the shite out of her by appearing at the outside window of the dining room where we were sitting....she jumped a couple of feet.
She has a good set of female cum squirter on her,sort of the scream you hear on a horror movie,like when the chick is gonna be dissembowelled,yeah,like that!
TUTERGIRL said her goodbyes,and now I am sorta relaxin....tho not before going back into town for SUBWAY,and pick up my photos.
No after xmas mail,no bills....yay.
Am still tryin to get hold of my farrier,he may have gone away,but he could at least answer his damn phone.
Che'-de's feet are pretty much non-existant.Need to get her some shoes put on me thinks.
Oh,got the "Bourne Supremecy"on dvd...am hoping it's as good as the previous one...will let ya's know.
..............UTEgirl..............xxxxx

happy 3 day weekend

2005-05-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

If it weren't true,it would be hilarious...well,tis still farking funny anyways. Magnaboy should be renamed...MAGNETBOY,for reasons of mass amounts of bloody magnets he's got wrapped around his person!!! He thinks he looks "kool",I think he looks a bloody wanka,but there u go. He has this large,purplish(now,now!) bead thingo round his neck,and now he's sooo enamoured by all things Magnetico,he's gone and bought a pack of these band-aid looking thingy's that u stick wherever it hurts...looks like he's BANDAIDMAN!!! Sheesh,I could fill a book with cheating wives fucking... Went shopping today,got meself some shorts,and t-shirts,and Magnaboy bought some dvd's with gift voucher tUTEergirl gave him for xmas(cheers tUTErgirl,have good hols matey!),and of course...the band-aids! Had HUNGRY'S for lunch,mmmmmmm. Felt a tad guilty while eating my burger,reading the paper and seeing the staggering numbers of the dead in the tsunami disaster.....what can I do? Feel so fucking helpless,so angry,so sad.... For the very first time,I am thinking of donating $$ to the aid relief....I've never done so before...but this has really hit me big time...it's the VERY LEAST I can do. Had some rather upsetting news the other day,friend of ours horse was put down as he slipped and broke his leg while in a float...it brings back such horrid memories,as my girl fell in a float 2 years ago,luckily she was able to get back up again....this poor boy had no such luck. Our friend says everytime she closes her eye's,she can see dogging uk.....Yes,I remember it well....it was very horriffic. Seeing you're best friend choking on the kickboard,unable to move,sweat dripping from them,legs underneath them....I was extremely lucky she didn't break a leg.Amen.... Watched the "Bourne Supremecy" last night,very fucking good movie....highly recomend for any car chase fanatics out there. Oh,and any Matt Damon fans....mmmmm!!! ............UTEgirl..............xx

happy 3 day weekend

2005-05-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

If it weren't true,it would be hilarious...well,tis still farking funny anyways. Magnaboy should be renamed...MAGNETBOY,for reasons of mass amounts of bloody magnets he's got wrapped around his person!!! He thinks he looks "kool",I think he looks a bloody wanka,but there u go. He has this large,purplish(now,now!) bead thingo round his neck,and now he's sooo enamoured by all things Magnetico,he's gone and bought a pack of these band-aid looking thingy's that u stick wherever it hurts...looks like he's BANDAIDMAN!!! Sheesh,I could fill a book with cheating wives fucking... Went shopping today,got meself some shorts,and t-shirts,and Magnaboy bought some dvd's with gift voucher tUTEergirl gave him for xmas(cheers tUTErgirl,have good hols matey!),and of course...the band-aids! Had HUNGRY'S for lunch,mmmmmmm. Felt a tad guilty while eating my burger,reading the paper and seeing the staggering numbers of the dead in the tsunami disaster.....what can I do? Feel so fucking helpless,so angry,so sad.... For the very first time,I am thinking of donating $$ to the aid relief....I've never done so before...but this has really hit me big time...it's the VERY LEAST I can do. Had some rather upsetting news the other day,friend of ours horse was put down as he slipped and broke his leg while in a float...it brings back such horrid memories,as my girl fell in a float 2 years ago,luckily she was able to get back up again....this poor boy had no such luck. Our friend says everytime she closes her eye's,she can see it.....Yes,I remember it well....it was very horriffic. Seeing you're best friend choking on the kickboard,unable to move,sweat dripping from them,legs underneath them....I was extremely lucky she didn't break a leg.Amen.... Watched the "Bourne Supremecy" last night,very fucking good movie....highly recomend for any car chase fanatics out there. Oh,and any Matt Damon fans....mmmmm!!! ............UTEgirl..............xx

hell you say

2005-05-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really quite down,the usual stuff,and that the world has gone crazy....Why do the media insist on focussing on how many AUSTRALIANS have been killed or gone missing in the disaster of the Tsnumi?? For fuck sake,does it REALLY matter?I mean,23 thousand people are dead......who cares what colour or creed or nationality they are.They are all members of humanity,they all had loved ones who will miss them just as we, ladyboy, will miss our loved ones.....they are no less a person just because of where they are situated on the fucking map.As my niece so correctly pointed out,if it was America this had happened to,we would NEVER hear the end of it.....but because of the insignificance of this "third world" country,we are only meant to worry about the Australian,or local losses. I beg of you to sit and watch that television footage,and see bodies of children and elderly being washed away,and NOT feel they are human......they are just as important as any fucking living human... Shame on this pathetic Australian,local crap.......obviously it's much more newsworthy to the local media,to report on lost Aussies,than the importance of numbers of life lost on whole. OOOhh,wait a minute.....what,no SOUTH AUSTRALIAN'S killed??....oh,damn....that's a sleep assault for our ratings..maybe we will run a story on someone who knows someone,who knew someone that died!!! Local,yeah we're fucking local all right......pitty the disaster wasn't on our doorstep hey channel nine.....UTEgirl...

dad update

2005-05-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

This....my friends, is what I have been waiting for,for like....fricking AGES!! At least ONE decent raven riley managed to finally get me a pic of his Ute. I won't mention "some" other McLaren Vale fella's....who seem to make promises of,"yeah,shit yeah...I'll bring the Ute over for You to photograph....."and I never see the feckers again.Humph.

Anyhoo's...this baby is brooke skye. He works for the Shaws at Ballaststone. It's a Holden, it's a Cross 8, and it's in "Gun Metal Grey" if i recall correctly! Have to excuse my lack of knowledge on all thing's "Holden"!

But...she's a Ute...and a damn SWEET Ute at that. Thanks Paul for the photo. Now....all bask in the after glow of her shiney-ness, and I'll update again soon-ish

mistakes with ex

2005-05-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Is that how you spell it?? You know, the syndrome where you yell out profanities? Reminded of "Deuce Bigalow,Male Gigalo"!!! Anyhoo....was at our bang boat this morning, and this "lovely"(not) kid of about ten was in there with his equally "lovely"(not!) parents. He had his hand down his pants,revealing to all and sunder his ass crack,was gorking and yelling and making all sorts of weird and wonderful noises. He proceeded to take his hand from his butt cheeks,and run around the credit union with his hands touching EVERY surface he could find. This is why I ALWAYS wash my hands after being out.....and probablly why I got fucking Strep Throat...from little shits like that. Oh,btw....it's now all cleared up thankfully, the amoxillian seemed to do the trick.

Hope ya is all enjoying my back seat bangers hard work you know!!! Not easy having all this stuff in my head,then having to convert it to real words....sheesh! Wish I'd never fricking started it now! Look for my next installment tomorrow or the day after. Well, will post a Ute pic and head off for now.Ciao....

ambushed

2005-05-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

I told Tiger I would be ending this blog, primarily because I seem to have nothing nice to write about anymore. Now, thanks to my own actions, it only reminds me of indian porn. He says, however, that he enjoys reading what I write here, so I'm giving it a second thought.

Anyway, to those of you who didn't know, I have another blog at dot blogdrive dot com. That's where the real stuff is, not the fantasy. When the fantasy becomes real -- if it ever does -- then I'd have reason to end this blog, but maybe not till then. I don't know. I'm still thinking.

As for J, he's not a bad person, but he has made me so miserable. And he can be mean without thinking, like when he and his sister told Tiger to stop talking to me, complete with insults. After all he did! Maybe J isn't really the guy for me. I don't know. I'm still thinking. I want to know soon, though. But I've learned God provides all the answers in his time.

Anyway, after yet another fight that was reminiscent of all our other fights before his accident, a fight that had me thinking, "Are we going back to the same old shit hell?" I broke up with him. And he asked for yet another chance, a chance that he probably thinks he'll always have, thus allowing him to keep unleashing his uncontrolled female cum at me. So I said, "I'll give you a month." And he took it.

So let's see if things change from now until May 12.

what do you do

2005-04-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

While most of you are out tonight,celebrating away,getting blind...spare a thought for those who are not able to celebrate for various reasons...Alot will be mourning their loved ones. I for one will be having my usual yearly appointment with Mr.Anti-anxiety tablet,to get me thru the night!! I could care fucking less of the coming New Year,it's just a big excuse to get pissed...and I'm not into teens for cash videos these days,more into drinking something that keeps me awake,not put me to sleep! I've done the celebrating crap,gettin'so pissed you don't know who the fuck you're kissing on the stroke of midnight,and so out of it with drugs or whatever,that in the morning you dont know who you are sleeping next to. It's bliss for me to just sit it out like any normal day/night....hearing the fireworks,hearing the scared dogs,the galahs,cockatoo's etc,fleeing their nightly roosts half scared out of their wits. As a kid it used to be exciting,the old's had brilliant parties when they USED to be social people...we had the whole town around basically,enjoying the grog,food and hip,hip music of the '70s!! I find less and less to be excited about for the coming new years;I mean,it's nothing new....life just gets more difficult,not easier. This year has been shite,and no doubt next year will be too....so I dont allow myself the pleasure of making too many resolutions,as why bother when all you're doing is predicting your unpredictable future? I always believed I'd never see it to my 30th year,REALLY believed it....and fuck me if I didn't bloody try to make that come a reality...so here I am,starting my 35th year around this bloody sun of ours...and I am not particularly happy with my lot. Hate it when people say,"ohh,there's so many people worse off than you,you should be sooo greatful for being healthy blah,blah.." I know.....and hey,I respect that...I understand I am squirting,and I am sad for the millions of people who are in need....but I didnt ask for my life,and dont see why I should be made accountable for others pain. I cant help that I am who I am,that my mental outlook is not all as yours.....I wish it were,then maybe I could enjoy life. Anyway,for the sake of not being a party pooper....HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

facts

2005-04-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Erm, today I've been fair busy.....up at the usual crack of fricking dawn, thank's to daylight streaming in through the crap so called venetian blinds....went back to bed til Magnaboy got home at 7.30am. Washing was on the agenda, but for unknown reasons, the bastardo is playing up...teens for cash before breakfast 'aint good. Managed to get the washing done, EVENTUALLY. Cleaned through the house, then the dog groomer turned up to wash and clip Bax. What a fucking performance from the dog....anyone in the street would've thought he was being castrated or something similar with the bloody noise he was making. Anyway, clean puppy,hairless puppy!!! Yay!

Planted out five roses in the front garden bed between the standard roses the owners put in. Planted some ferny stuff under the side shade area,lay out my Gnomes in amongst the garden plants....they seem happy! Did some general squirting and tidying up. Got some JUNK MAIL today!!!! W00t! Woweeeee....man they have some good deals on pizza's in suburbia! You can get three large pizza's for like,$13 between Sunday and Wednesday! Bugger me.....you pay $15 just for one pizza in the Vale....sheesh!

I'm pretty buggered tonight....hoping to get better nights sleep tonight. Magnaboy finds out tomorrow I believe about this job...hope he get's it.

quality time

2005-04-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

My idiotic poem was not a metaphor. I bled rather severely yesterday, having accidentally cut my hand three different places with a razor. Since then, I've been almost continually playing with one of the wounds (which, despite my title, does not actually have a scab yet). I pinch it, and it hurts. I poke it with my fingernail, and it hurts. Someone smarter than I would maybe consider not pinching it or poking it. But it's not a bad pain - not really bad - and I kinda like indian porn. The cut is so deep that when I alternately push and pull on the top and bottom of it, it looks like a little mouth opening and closing. It seems I have found a new way to talk to myself. This morning at work, I accidentally started it bleeding again. At first I thought it was just a drop, so I ignored it. But when I went to tear the plastic wrap I had been holding, I sprayed blood everywhere. Yes, I created my own blood spatter pattern, just like on all those cool forensics shows! It was a proud moment.

But anyway, yeah. Pain. Blood. I think I'm finally beginning to understand a few things about some of my female cum. Anywho, Loz wisely stated, "This doesn't sound good", and I can't argue with her (Though I do thank you for your thoughts, Loz!). I'm really not doing well, and some of my normal outlets are unavailable to me right now, which makes it even harder to deal with. In fact, I'm feeling quite alone.

Going...

going...

*poof*

flirting 101

2005-04-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Found out today that a friend of Magnaboy's committed suicide yesterday. Don't know why it has upset me so much really...I only met him a few times. Guess it's because he had Bipolar too...and he was doing the same as me,going off his drugs and was in hospital up until Monday when he had to go to his Grandmothers funeral. So now his parents must bury their son,after just burying their Mother....Fuck. He has left behind two children. It makes you think of how much sadness must have been going through his mind,how much he was suffering in silence...I can really feel it. But on the other hand...I can see how much it breaks up the one's left behind. You don't ever think about the consequenses though when you are that far gone by grief,to you,you are actually doing society a favour by ridding the world of your missunderstood and harmful self.

I don't make any excuses for his decision...but I have been there on a number of occasions...too many occasions. I have attempted suicide,and have been hospitalised and have felt so far gone that I don't care anymore. No one can understand what it's like,except you. And for us to stand back and ridicule someone of their choices is not only selfish,but it's down right unwanted. We can only commiserate with the cheating wives left behind,and believe that the person has finally found peace. Soppy and weak???? No, that's just my point of view...and this is my Blog.

I sometimes think I am only still here because of my animals. Sounds stupid,but they are what have kept me going. Many a time Baxter has looked at me with his soulfull eye's,and I just melt and think,"How the fuck can I leave you?"....I have even written a will out...and Lovely Niecey is gonna love this....I have left her my Ute!!! I have nothing else of value...just about sums up my shit life hey? Now I'm depressing myself...this is no good.

On a more lighter note,had tUTErgirl over for a nice snag casserole with mash potato and she brought over a HUGE fucking "Cheesecake Shop" lemon meringue pie!!! Holy Moly....yummy! We sat and watched a Pirated dvd of "Wimbledon" with Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany...was funny. She has invited me to a dogging party next Wednesday...didn't even know they had parties?! So hell yeah!!! Luuuurve the Body Shop...speshly their "White Musk"..mmmmmm.

Got me a bottle of Southern Comfort today..felt that fucking lo and miserable...so thought what the hell. Am gonna get myself nice and blind later.....so should be interesting to see how long it takes for me to get pissed...already feel kinda spun out on the side effects of these bloody Anti D's!!! Sheesh!!! Joy!!!

Baxter's laying here in the spare room/studdy with me....lying in the sunshine...tis still quite cool outside..Southerly blowing from Victor Harbour way...so he is keeping out of the chill. He loves his Mummy!!! Awwwww.... Am gonna leave you with a kewl quote found on the "Body Shop" invite....fucking true!!!! Seeya's............Utegirl..............

"THERE ARE 3 BILLION WOMEN WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE SUPER MODELS. AND ONLY 8 WHO DO. KNOW YOUR MIND,LOVE YOUR BODY."

happy friday

2005-04-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

The following is just a bit of the phone conversation I had today with the friend mentioned in my previous post:

Her: Can you say without a shadow of a doubt that I love you?
Me: Absolutely.
Her: Without a shadow of a doubt?
Me: Yes.
Her: Would you bet your life on it?
Me: Yes.
Her: Would you bet my life on it?
Me: Yes.
Her: And how do you know that I love indian porn stars?
Me: Well, this conversation, for starters. *laughter* I know you love me because I know that you accept me for who I am, and you understand who I am. Because even though I know that I can be a frustration to you when I fail to do the things that you know I need to do - or even that I know I need to do - you don't give up on me. You won't give up on me.
Her: Okay, can you say without a shadow of a doubt, that she loves you?
Me (Hesitating): This is gonna get hard, isn't it?

It did get hard (and not in the good way - though I can't say that this friend has not also had that effect on me). She will not let me get away with not thinking. She won't let me waffle or hedge my bets. She wants declarative statements. She won't even let me change the subject, try as I might! And I can't help but love her for it.

I believe my wife loves me as best she can, but when held up to the standard set by this woman, my friend, does it even count as love? And if it doesn't, what am I still doing here? My friend said something else the other day, a simple statement on the spur of the moment that only shows how brilliant she is: "Marriage is not crucifying yourself so that she can have female cum squirting."

Understanding why I should leave is easy. Weighing the pros and cons (and yes, there are both to this marriage, despite my ramblings here) is a simple task. It's the leaving itself that I'm having trouble with...

There are still so many fears about a future without my wife, about whether anyone else would put up with MY hangups, about whether I will function sexually with someone else. My friend offered to help me figure that one out too...

God knows I want that.

rambling tuesday

2005-04-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

At least, I think that's how it's spelled. It's funny, the little things that can affect a mood. One minute I was happy as a clam (though I must wonder why a clam would be happy), and then something happened in a phone call (or actually, didn't happen in a phone call. Like, the person picking up the frickin phone) that kinda shot my outlook all to hell, and made me start to lose faith in people all over again. Am I really that easily let down? Ha. It's funny. For a guy with a wife, a step-daughter, parents, numerous siblings, and a few real friends... I feel awfully alone right now.

I just... I'm just suddenly very tired. Despite the depression that occasionally sneaks into this blog, I am actually very good at hiding... Well. I was gonna say "at hiding the depth of my depression", but I see that ending the sentence after "hiding" is just as true. My point is, who really knows me? One person does. One person - and you know who you are - knows me better than my wife. I once remarked to this person that "I know me almost as well as you do!" There are one or two others who know me in a bit more detail than is written here. Yet, only one of you has ever actually met my wife (yeah, well, you were at the wedding!), and everything else is just me griping. I'm not saying that what I write is untrue, merely that it is once-sided. And it's not even one-sided in a fair way, because I don't blog about the wonderful things she does. Part of the problem is, even I lose sight of the good things she does, because I am so blinded by brooke skye nude. No, I am not content in my life, and yes, I am planning on cheating on her if she doesn't come around very, very soon. And from what I write here, I can see where one could get the idea that my leaving would be... reasonable.

I just want to cry. I just want to scream. I don't know what I want. I said last time that I didn't want my wife - at least sexually. But I want to want her, and more than that, I want her to want me. Yeah, I know, I sound like Cheap Trick now. LOL. Did I mention that I was tired?

I'm just so fucking tired.

Aside from the concern and feedback I get from those I've met in blogland, there are two things that I live for right now, it seems. One of them is getting up every morning and going to work, because that is where *T* is. She is a joy to be around, and while I can't ignore the fact that she is very, very attractive, the genuine friendship, honesty and comradery that we have together far surpasses any lustful feelings I once felt for her. The other thing I live for is raven riley hardcore...

...maybe I needed to be calling someone else..

good solid punch

2005-04-12T08:50:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes on this blog entry page, trying to figure out what to write. Yesterday I was overwhelmed with my life, and I just wanted it all to go away. Not suicidal... just weary. I nearly had a breakdown at work, but I fought my way through it. Came home late from work and found some love in my emailbox that brought me back to reality a little bit. Sometimes I think I'm worthless, but some of you are determined to get me to see otherwise, and for that I am grateful. This blog, and the people I've met through it, have become a sort of bang boat for me, where I know I am accepted for who I am, even if my ways, thoughts, desires and ideas are not always agreed with. I thank you all for that, as well.

I want to be "hot". *A* was talking to another girl about a new employee, and she exclaimed, "He is hot!" I just wanted her to say that about me. I don't think I am ugly (as I used to think), and there are certain women who seem to be attracted to my "type". I catch the looks on occasion, and sometimes, on a really good day, I'll catch several of them. But I always wonder if any of them tell their friends "Oh, you should've seen the back seat bangers today. He was HOT!" LOL. Okay, maybe I'm asking too much. I guess when your own wife doesn't seem to be attracted to you, it makes you think a bit.

*A* is urging me to cheat on my wife now. Sadly, she is not offering her sevices in that respect! But while I still feel those little pangs of want for her now and then, I'm beginning to calm down and accept the friendship she offers. If I didn't have her and *T* to talk to on a daily basis, well, my work life would pretty much suck. Not that the work is difficult (*T* actually does virtually all of the work I used to do!), but it would be so boring. I absolutely LOVE working with *T*, as evidenced by the fact that since she's been out sick for two days (and will be out tomorrow too), I suddenly don't like going to work again. I'm gonna hate it when she leaves... or when I do.

I still haven't given my wife the letter, primarily because the implication in it that I don't want to cheat is a simple lie. I do very much want to do something with a loving, sexually open woman. I need to find out where I stand with my own sexuality before I decide if it's worth it to me to try to work on my marriage. Ass-backwards, maybe, but that's the way I feel. I love my wife, I really do. I'm just not sure if I WANT her anymore. I watched a video we had made shortly after we met. We were just making a video greeting card to send to some friends, but while we filmed it we started making out and fooling around. You can't see anything in the video (except my rigid cock and a wet spot on my shorts when I stood up for a second, which caused us both to break out laughing), but the passion there was so obvious, and I can't help but mourn what was lost, and wonder what happened to it.

oy what beautiful morning

2005-04-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

LOL....Is the heading okay for ya?! Does it grab your attention....tuff if not.
Me & me lovely niecey had some fun last nite,tryin to get thru to this thick American dude,that a colt is NOT a female horse in any shape or form....but today,he is still adamant that he is right....wot a fucking wanker!!
Here,go visit his blog and tell him he's a loser!!Yet Another Tedious.
Was meant to be up at 7am,but yeah,alarm went off....woke up 7:45!! Shite. Dashed around,fed horse,quick shower,fed dog,fed birds,fed myself...then the old man caught me,wanted to chat...no time Dad,Judi(their gorgeous black Lab)was shittin' herself,backing away,puffed up,deep woof...couldn't work out why she was scared of me..then I realised,still had towel draped round me head!!! She's a indian porn stars.
Had to dash,Bax pissed off....hates me taking off,and Magnaboy wasnt home as yet from work.
Bliss.....SHOPS are open!
Mad chaos,that's all I can say....normally quiet,unasuming gentle souls of housewives,turned into vicious,snarling,trolleypushers...all out for one thing- a fucking after xmas bargain bin loaf of bread!!!
AAHHh,home again.UTEy Badly in need of de-dusting,she is almost pink!!
Magnaboy home,in bed...grizzle..no one to help unload shopping.
Just managed to pack all away,and tUTErgirl arrives for her coffee and to drop off budgie for his little holiday,while she goes to Alice.
Well...she WAS meant to stay only for like,half hour,so as she could go to the gym,but she stayed for 2and a half hours!
Aaanyway,Magnaboy got up once he heard her laughing,and again,he ended up scaring the shite out of her by appearing at the outside window of the dining room where we were sitting....she jumped a couple of feet.
She has a good set of lungs on her,sort of the scream you hear on a horror movie,like when the chick is gonna be dissembowelled,yeah,like that!
TUTERGIRL said her goodbyes,and now I am sorta relaxin....tho not before going back into town for SUBWAY,and pick up my photos.
No after xmas mail,no bills....yay.
Am still tryin to get hold of my farrier,he may have gone away,but he could at least answer his damn phone.
Che'-de's feet are pretty much non-existant.Need to get her some shoes put on me thinks.
Oh,got the "Bourne Supremecy"on dvd...am hoping it's as good as the previous one...will let ya's know.
..............UTEgirl..............xxxxx

assignment 1

2005-04-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Darkside will be going... well, dark for a while. It's not because anything drastic has happened, or because I'm doing really badly (I'm no worse than I have been, which, admittedly, doesn't really give one cause for much hope!). It's just going to be nearly impossible for me to have the asian ladyboy I need to post for the next week and a half. Whether that week and a half will be a easier or more difficult than usual will remain to be seen. At the very least, I should be busy enough and distracted enough that I won't have time to think too deeply. That's always good, as thinking seems to lead me into sleep assault galleries lately. But speaking of thinking, think fondly of me while I'm away. ;-)

piss poor quality

2005-03-23T09:11:00.000-08:00

I think I've been a bad friend because I'm not happy with myself either. And maybe that's why even when J tries, I still can't be a good girlfriend either. I have to think this through. I think I need a good first bang boat. And I need to be myself. But, I don't think I do well travelling alone.

***

Over the week, ever since my former boss and former officemates surprised me with a visit, I'd been mulling over going back to the newspaper job I had before. This morning, when I woke up, I saw a text from Former Boss, and she was asking me if I already had a decision, because the Company President was endorsing an applicant. I didn't know what to reply just yet--I'd hated that job with so much passion, I also burst into tears, and yet I love the people and the company--so I took a shower first and asked for God to intercede.

As I dried my hair, another text from Former Boss came in. She said Company President was asking her to call the back seat banger. Apparently, he'd already committed to giving the applicant the job. Divine intervention, I think. And I said the same to Former Boss. She said it was sad nevertheless.

So once again, I'm option-less. I hope I don't stay aimless for long. Sniff.

ghetto grocery

2005-02-28T09:12:00.000-08:00

This one is about friendship. And about how I am not really a shallow person.

Maybe I'm too demanding. Even with friends. I don't know. It's probably because I'm all or nothing in most things in my life (which is why I have a difficult time pushing forward in anything--but that's another discussion). Honestly, why would I waste my time cultivating--and defending--friendships that won't be all out?

I have too many teens for cash friends that I just spend a couple of hours a month on. You know, the kind you have coffee with, or the kind you laugh with and then forget until it's time to have coffee again with them. I enjoy their company, but I still often find myself thinking it's a frivolous way to spend time.

I've had many people thinking that I was their best friend just because I spent a lot of time with them. I think it's my disposition that's misleading--just because I smile a lot, joke a lot, and seem to take things easy, most people think it's easy to be my friend. But the truth is, I have few real friends (like, five or six in the span of twenty years I've been forced to be part of society) that will stand the test of time.

Only these few have the capability to hurt me--and this, I think, is the mark of how deep my friendships are with them. The way I see it, these few friends may hurt me because I open my heart to them. I know--or at least, I think--squirting is one of them.

Maybe I was a little too harsh on Tiger when I found out something he didn't tell me clearly (or something he omitted telling me) when I explicitly asked about it at a very crucial time in my relationship with him--a time that I'd always thought made our friendship extra special. I'm sorry I said he lied. I have this tendency to jump at people's throats, and then take it back.

But I was really hurt. Because even if I couldn't give him my heart 100%, I gave him my soul. I told him everything, even the bad things that I've done. I just assumed he did the same. And I thought that was what made our friendship unique and strong.

I know I have no right to ask for anybody's "soul" in friendship or even love. But is it bad, really, if you ask for someone's all when you are giving yours? I don't know, but wouldn't life be happier if people did that and not just send out press releases?

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

screw vday

2005-02-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people hold too much power over us. It's a power we give them, no doubt, a power given in trust, in love. Sometimes the power is used to keep us in line, sometimes it's used to cause pain. If we're lucky, those that we give the power to will love us enough not to use it in that way. Just an observation.

*T* said something today that got me to thinking. You see, she had requested that before I leave, she wants to see my cheating wives fucking. I told her in return, I wanted to see her "all dolled up". So today, she asked if they were going to throw me a goodbye party at work, 'cause she would come to that all dolled up for me. I said I didn't know if they were, but it was only later that I realized... there really aren't enough people at work who give a flying fuck about me, where they would throw me a party. I'm doubtful that it's even occured to anyone to do so. Then I realized that it's not just dogging uk at work who don't give a flying fuck about me. That's when I got really depressed.

Okay, now I'm really gone. It's going to be a long week.

I have a suspicion that it's going to be a long, pointless, lonely life. I know I shouldn't think so pessimistically. Maybe I'll get lucky, and I'll get hit by a train.

i miss cable

2005-02-15T08:35:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted on my hidden blog, but upon request for a post from the lovely and talented Miss Delena, I'm putting it here, though I may regret it and will likely delete it by the end of the weekend. It's a bit more open than I like, and the topics discussed make me uncomfortable. In it, I'm trying to dig deeper into my own problems, but I fear that what I've discovered is that I'm unsalvageable...

SEX AND ME

I'm not entirely sure where this entry is going to end up. I'm writing it in my hidden journal, but it may end up coming out of the Tian-Hei, depending upon where it goes, I guess.

I think a lot of my sexual issues come from my conflict between my sexual drive, and my urge to suppress my sexuality completely. Let me make it clear: I'm a pervert. I don't merely think about sex, I obsess about teens for cash videos. I imagine it with nearly every semi-attractive woman I see, many of whom it is inappropriate to think about in that way. I masturbate often, occasionally in "risky" situations (as both a voyeur and an exhibitionist, the risk of getting caught increases the excitement). I've spoken before about the fact that I am multi-orgasmic, which means I cum a lot when I cum. No, I mean a lot. Even that fact excites me, as the idea of nearly drowning a woman giving me a blow job is very exciting. I've tasted my own cum, and have written stories about licking it out of a woman's pussy, not because I like the taste of it, and certainly not because I'm gay, but simply because it seems like a nasty, naughty thing to do. Of course, there's my oft-spoken biggest obsession, which is eating a woman out, the juicier and wetter the better. I love the scent and the taste and the excitement.

I know all these things don't really make me a pervert, and many of them are fantasized by a lot of people. The problem comes with my desire to keep from viewing women in a sexual way all the time, and with the fact that I feel that even by thinking of such things, I am in some way violating them. Part of it is my Catholic upbringing, part of it is my near-certainty that I was sexually abused as a child (based on scant evidence, I admit), but a huge part of it is a rage against my gender for acts of violence and degradation against women. Too many women I know and love have been abused sexually, many of them in childhood, and it makes it hard for me to justify my own thoughts of sexual debauchery. I know that rape is about violence and control, and not about sex, but the act itself is the same, and that's where I have trouble. It doesn't help that so many of the women who seem to be forward about sex, and who sometimes use it as a weapon themselves (though "merely" as an enticement, and in what I view as a self-destructive way) are those very women who have had sex forced upon them, often at a very young age.

I don't know to what degree my feelings are irrational. But I have trouble processing the fact that these thoughts make me feel that sex itself, and the specific acts I desire, are wrong. Is it any wonder that I have trouble performing? Is it any wonder that I fear it, and choose to stay with someone who seems to fear it as much as I do? I have this idea in my head that women who desire sex, who crave it, and who enjoy it, must have had some trauma in their past to cause this lust. And even though it's the lust itself that I crave more than anything (a genuine female orgasm is the sexiest thing in the world to me), the idea of where it originated in the first place taints it, and makes me feel guilty, again, for thinking of them as sex objects. Is it not those who treated them as mere objects in the first place that caused them to use sex as a first defence? And, just to add to my confusion, here's a story I've only ever told one other person, and even then I left something out....

There's a girl I know who has a crush on me. A very big crush. But she's a very young girl, not yet 12, so we all find it cute. We joke about it, and both me and my wife call her my "girlfriend". Whenever I'm around her, she follows me like a puppy dog, and while at first I didn't know how to handle it, in the end I decided to just be extra nice to her, because it makes her happy. One night, we were all out on the porch; my wife, this girl's mom and her grandmother, me and the girl. She asked to sit on my lap, and I pulled her up. She's old enough and big enough that I couldn't (and prolly shouldn't) put her totally on my lap, so she ended up just straddling one of my legs. A few moments later, in the dark, I felt her wriggling a little on my knee. At first, I thought she was simply uncomfortable, but as the wriggling continued, I realized it wasn't so much wriggling as writhing. She was actually rubbing herself on my knee. Maybe I should have pushed her off, or maybe I should have said something, but I didn't really know what to say. After a few moments, I suggested we all go back in the house, since that was the only un-obvious thing I could think of to do.

How old were you when you began to have sexual feelings? I was that same age, but I certainly wasn't sure enough about anything to do something like that. To use her sexuality like that at such a young age, she must have been exposed to something, right? And since her dad is "dating" a 14 year old, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. I'd kill the sonuvabitch if I could.

Anyway, here's the problem. Even while I felt sick to my stomach, I can't deny that a part of me enjoyed being subjected to her sexuality. Given the fact that my wife won't subject me to hers, it is not surprising, but it still scares me and worries me that I could actually be turned on by such a thing, from such a young girl (strangely, I was not turned on at the time, because I was too stunned, but was later when I thought about it). The whole incident made me feel even more afraid of my sexuality, and increased the need to suppress it.

The problem is, I don't want to suppress my squirting pussy anymore. I want to express it and explore it with a woman who is not afraid of her own sexuality. Yet, as noted here, I fear that too. Not that it matters, I guess.

I'm beginning to understand that I will never be able to explore my sexuality in the way I need to to fix whatever is wrong with me. The fear of it. The chance to fix it (and the woman to fix it with) came and went with ferocious alacrity (I've always wanted to use that word!), and with it, perhaps my last chance to ever be "normal". I can accept that, or I think I will be able to, in time. The problem is, I don't know what to do to shut off my urges and desires in the meantime. If anything, my drive is becoming stronger and stronger, and with no one to share it with, my behaviors seem to become more and more risky. I see trouble ahead...